LIGHTNING ROUND (CUE AC/DC'S THUNDERSTRUCK)

AAAAAAH AHHH AHHH THUNDER

It has come to my attention that there's 298 of these fucking prompts left. And if I want any chance of completing this arbitrary goal I've set for myself that no one's reading and that has no time constraint, I'm going to need to really up the output.

Welcome to the lightning round. The points have been doubled making all other rounds irrelevant.

What is your favorite work of art? What do you love about it?

This one:

I love how many eyes there are.


Write a diary entry, dated 10 years in to the future.

Dear diary,

It's me. Ya boy. Remember that meme? Weird that I'd think of that ten year old meme, now of all times, here in the year 2029. It's still so crazy to me that the world came together near the end of 2019 and decided to just jump over 2020 in an effort to avoid a year of 'hindsight is 20/20' jokes. It didn't work of course but... Things are going great! Sure, the post apocalyptic hellscape we all reside in has taken some getting used to. And I'm getting, well, just down right irritated with travelling from settlement to settlement. Only to have a pack of raiders ride in and raze everything to the ground, leaving only blood and ash all in the name of their bloodless sky god, Ingrahllax.  But hey, at least my marriage to a cardboard cut out of 1995 Alanis Morissette that I found is going pretty great! Things were shaky with her for a little while after she discovered my brief fling with a poster of 1997 Natalie Imbruglia. She said some pretty hurtful things like, "why are all of your crushes on women from the year of their greatest financial successes? And "why are we both almost 20 years older than you? But your crush for us is from a time when we would have been the same age as you when you were ten years younger because this diary is from ten years in the future???""
Maybe she has a point. I don't really know what she meant by that last part, but maybe her asking that question has a point.
Really looking forward to Avengers 10: The Revengencing. Robert Downey Jr hasn’t missed a beat in my opinion.

Xoxo,
Eli Johansson

Give your city a new name that reflects what type of place it is.

Fart Wrath

Write about something presently in your life that is "worth it".

 I think staring at this prompt for 10 minutes was worth it. I mean, look at this incredibly interesting response all that thinking came up with. Everyone loves meta.

Let us do another one.

You are the wind’s interpreter. What is it saying?

I blow.

Another one.

Come up with a mathematical formula to express something you know/believe.

No + Way = José

ANOTHER ONE

Name one thing you lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?

NO WAIT GO BACK I DON'T LIKE IT

NO WAIT KEEP GOING MOVE PAST IT LALALA CAN'T SEE IT

What did you get into trouble for the most when you were a kid?

One time I got into trouble for saying "darn" and I'm still mad about it. DARN is the acceptable pg version of DAMN. And I mean even 'damn' is pretty pg. This happened 20 years ago and I still feel, in the cockles of my heart, the injustice that I felt that day. The righteous indignation still burns hot in my soul. I wish I remember that teacher's name.

Alright, that's enough. 8 down.
Two
Hun
Der
Red
And
Nine
Dee
Left to go

Coast to coast LA to Chjcago

Have you ever spoken up when you saw something going on that was wrong? Were you scared? What ended up happening?

Well, ask anyone about me and they'll tell you just how humble and unassuming I am. I mean, I don't like to toot my own horn. Butter my own biscuits. Swab my own deck. Button my own button.

There was this one time that I got into some hot water for standing up for what I believe in. And man I just hardly ever talk about it. Honestly it's kind of a complicated situation.

I had just started this great new job that would allow me to do some really great work for the community. But after starting, I realized that the whole system was just mired in corruption and graft. To make a long story short I ended up filibustering for 25 hours before the man who had taken me under his wing (who also happened to be at the center of the corruption! It was wild) burst on to the senate floor and-

Wait

Oh shit, y'know I think

Yeah, that was the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

That's my bad.

Let me think

Alright, in seriousness this actually happened

There was this one time when I was in a car with some guys from work. I wouldn't call them friends because, well I legitimately don't remember their names. I also don't remember why I was in this car. I assume this was when I didn't own a car? Sounds about right.

Anyways one of them saw a TCU girl jogging up ahead as we sat at a red light. And he essentially said (I'm paraphrasing), "I'm going to cat call her"

Which was pretty wild to me. I had never really considered the possibility that cat calls could be premeditated. I guess I had just assumed that they were random outbursts. Uncontrollable spasms of patriarchal privilege being propelled up and out of sexually frustrated men. But here it was.

Anyways, I said, "Don't do that. Don't be a dick"

And he didn't.

Y'know I assume most men are sitting at a very low number of cat calls made. I would hope for most it would be at 0, but who knows.
But how many men do you know have literally made negative one cat calls.

Anyways, you can see how I would get myself confused with Jimmy Stewart in the landmark 1939 film Mr Smith Goes to Washington.

Not every hero wears a cape.

-Goosip Goirl

Holy Shit: This Still Exists

Huh

This still exists.

Wow. I am VERY curious to see if people are still going to get email notifications from a new post. If you did, well...
Hello again old friend. It has been almost a decade? Something like that.

So, I was going to write an entry about how awful it was to read through this. How cringe-y about 98% of these old posts are. That remaining 2%? Well, that's just my ego protecting itself by saying that "hey, y'know it's not ALL garbage. There's at least... Well, I mean Penguin Holmes sure was...creative?"

I was about halfway through writing that and just...
Just intellectually destroying my teenage self when I realized the adage, "people in glass houses..." probably applies here. Yes, those old posts make me want to go take an incredibly long sadness nap where maybe, God willing, I don't wake up. BUT I mean, has my writing improved any?

Probably not. I haven't written hardly anything since then. A few poems here and there. A college course on creative... Creativity? Was it just creativity? Even the course was a long time ago. I think it was just about creativity? Jesus, that college was just the epitome of liberal arts.
Anyways I wrote a short story there...

 See? Look? Halfway through that paragraph I just entirely lost the point I was making! I'm still garbage! How can I mock my younger self for being terrible when I haven't improved at all! Fuck! Look at how many ellipses I've done for no reason! I'm a moron!  That's the point. Glass houses, man...

Glass...fucking...houses...

Anyways, I'm writing in this blog again. For my own benefit. H-h-here I go!

 A couple of years back my parents gave me a book called 300 writing prompts. Or it was last year? Or earlier this year? Listen, the point is it sat in my room unopened for a rather long time.

I'm going to do that.

300 of them.

If you did actually get a notification for a new post, now would be a really good time to turn that off.

What is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?

I'm beginning to see why I haven't opened this book in a long time. I just do not care at all to do this prompt. I mean, I'm doing it. Look at me do it. Pretty soon I will have done it.

But just what am I supposed to say here? Every day is a lazy day.

 Apple fairly recently started giving me like a screen time recap for the week. I mean, not just me. I assume. I hope everyone else is also getting that and it's not just like, "Hey, don't look at your screen so much. Check these stats out. You are in danger"

 I don't remember the exact numbers but I'm pretty sure it was something like 400 billion trillion hours spent watching videos on Facebook and Instagram.

I'm never more disgusted with myself than the times that I look up, 1-2 hours later, from the rabbit hole of many many 5 minute clips of life hacks, stand up routines, Adam Ruins Everythings, Cooking videos that DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RECIPE ANYWHERE IT'S JUST LOOK AT THIS THING THESE HANDS MADE WHILE WE PLAY ROYALTY FREE MUSIC, and videos of people zip lining through forests.
It's an actual addiction. I hate all these things and yet... And yet, I have seen so many of these things. And CONTINUE to see these things.

That's the real reason I'm writing again in this shitty old blog. Maybe if I distract myself with this, I won't ever have to watch another Adam Ruins Everything.

But Michael, all of that is under your own control. You could just sto-
Wait wait wait. I'm still doing that? Italicizing questions posed by 'the reader'? Yeah, I guess I am.

What can I say? Old habits die hard.

 But Michael, all of that is under your own control. You could just stop watching those things and do something more productive like-

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. NO ONE ASKED YOU. ALSO THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION. YOU INTERRUPT MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WITH JUST AN INTERJECTION? A STATEMENT? THIS ISN'T A DIALOGUE. I AM TRYING TO ANSWER PROMPT 1 OF 300 OUT OF A BOOK ENTITLED 300 WRITING PROMPTS GIVEN TO ME BY MY DEAR FATHER AND STEP MOTHER.

They paid five hard earned dollars for this book as made evident from the price sticker still on it. From a store named Five Below. I have NEVER even HEARD of THIS STORE but I have a PRETTY FUCKING GOOD IDEA as to what THE GIMMICK of THE STORE IS.

AND I'M SICK OF THESE CONSTANT INTERRUPTIONS. I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS. I WON'T WORK LIKE THIS.

Where was I?



CHRIST.





I'M STILL UPSET BY ALL THESE INTERRUPTIONS. JUST KEEP YOUR ITALICS OFF AND KEEP YOUR THOUGHTS IN YOUR STUPID SKULL CAVERN. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.






AND JUST HOW LONG AM I GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS BIT? YELLING AT MYSELF FOR 'INTERRUPTING' MYSELF?



LIKE, THEY GET IT. IT'S META.


IS THIS WHAT I'VE COME TO?
A DECADE LATER AND THIS IS WHAT I'M WRITING? JUST THIS INCREDIBLY DRAWN OUT JOKE IN ALL CAPS?
IT'S PROBABLY PRETTY HARD TO READ EVEN.

Anyways, have you guys seen those dash cam videos of Russian drivers? Those are CUH
RAZY. What a wild country that must be.

-Gossip Girl